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K&C codename buddy

Meaning of life
March 31, 2011

Waking up ever day, doing repetitive things, it's hard not to ask ourselves: what's the meaning of life? Some people have found their answers. But for me, that remains an unanswered question, despite constant searching especially in the past few years.

Biologically, we live for life. But this is not a good answer, for it is both superficial and philosophical. If we live for life, why does this need to happen? Sometimes, I tend to think we live for others' life. For example, mothers and fathers live for their children's lives, doctors live for patients' lives, we live to fulfill others' expectations. While this is not an over-negative attitude, it still make our lives look dull. Recently, I've heard another statement, from a cycling athelete - bike, coffee, sunshine and fresh air mean everything. What a statement. Yes, some people have clear target; in athletes' cases this is especially true. But for the rest of us, what is life for? Dentistry? Not really. So, again, this question remains unanswered.

The reasons that we live, sometimes, is for love. I've seen tons of people who cannot live without love. This attitude is good when they're in love, because when they're loved, their lives are complete. But life must not be lived purely for love. We have to find some meaning. What is life? Why do we live? I'm getting increasingly frustrated as I repeatedly ask myself this question. It's supposed to be a good day today, given that I don't have clinical session today and don't have to withstand the constant pressure I'm subjected to from tutors and DSAs. But it turns out that I'm very frustrated, so frustrated that I did not want to do anything at all after school, not even go tutoring to earn money. Well, I'm really so depressed today. What is the way out? It seems that every way has a dead end. There's no silver lining.

Btw, who wants to tutor a F.6 UE student? I don't want to teach in a short while. I need to hand this student to someone else. I can't tell if this really signifies the end of my tutoring life, though. I may find myself in great need for money later, or that I want to teach so much. But for now, I'm done with tutoring. I can't do that.

Frustrations
March 28, 2011

No matter how hard I try, negative feelings prevail. There was a time not long ago that I felt positive. I spent boring times studying, which I found some meaning to me. But then recently, those feelings of gloom reemerge. Sometimes, I hate myself so much for this. I once suspected that my constant feeling of gloom is out of an expectation that doing so makes me look cool. But this is not correct. I'm indeed sad. And few people can cheer me up.

This feeling of boredom peaked on Sunday, when I was at hall, feeling empty after tutoring my F.7 student, Cathy, one last time. I was so bored that I took a taxi to OP at 5:30 pm. By the time I was there, it was already 6. It turned out that 6 pm was a good time to visit OP, considering that most mainland tour groups would have left the park by then, leaving only few people there. So I took that opportunity to visit the new aquarium (alone) again. This gave me more opportunity to take more pictures, and to think as I walked around, watching the fish. What did I think of then? Everything. My personal successes and failures, how I admire some friends and loathe others, sufferings in the world, etc.. Yes, being alone stimulates thinking. I was lucky that I was in a nice place so my thoughts were not so pessimistic. If I stayed at hall, the situation would have been worse.

To conclude, while I enjoyed my visit to OP, I didn't find it a cool experience going there alone. It's just the better of two tragic options. Yes, this is me, one who always sees the half-empty glass of water, no matter how hard I try.

70000th visit, chardonnay, life
March 19, 2011

This site reached 70000 visits on March 17. I thank you. I think I've mentioned how grateful I am in the 8th anniversary entry, so I intend not to further talk about how honoured I feel. But I'm indeed impressed by the suport all of you have shown.

Chardonnay. I occasionally have wine with my friends at hall lately. I don't drink those expensive wine, because most of the time average wine is good enough to share joy with friends. And one wine in particular I'd like to recommend is Yellow Tail's chardonnay. (PS photo below doesn't show my room.)

So, why wine? When I first started, I told myself only to drink to celebrate. You know, moments like passing exams, having a great achievement, etc.. But the truth is, it's really an efficient way to temporarily forget all the pain I feel. The simple and small wishes that I've always hoped for but which never materialize all fade away when I'm under influence of alcohol. What is funny is that when people drink together, they tend to share deeper thoughts. Sometimes you can see one's dark side, sometimes you hear grievances, sometimes you get to know couples who appear to be happy turn out not so happy after all. It's funny, and this kind of balances the imperfections I've endured throughout life.

The sad truth is, when you wake up, all those unfortunate events are still there. They don't get metabolized together with the ethanol.

Holidays, public health, more
March 15, 2011

So, my long long holiday is finally over. However, this holiday is not 100% enjoyable though. Unlike the few days right after last exam, this two-week period is not totally dentistry-free. Apart from the four days we did our public health work, other days during the week also constantly reminds me of the stress brought by dentistry. Anyway our project was a success, and we don't have to do any outreach programme any more.

Going back to PP today, I feel relieved - working in a hospital/clinical setting feels much better. In this way, I'm confused. On one hand, I don't want to be constantly consumed by dentistry; on the other hand, clinical dentistry (i.e. not public health) is enjoyable. I guess if I am taught by more casual tutors like the ones I met in year 3, I'd be much happier going to PP every day.

I don't know why, but I feel intense pressure these days. How can I set myself free? Getting an iPad is a good idea.. However, it seems that I won't be able to get one in a short while.

Salad, penis and the world
March 10, 2011

"Free for dinner?" Texted Martin. "Sure," I replied. "Thomas wants to have salad, any idea?" "Well, I still have a penis, so let's pick a place where not all of us need to have salad."

So on Wednesday night, three of us had 橋底辣蟹 for dinner. The crab wasn't as spicy as expected, which made it marginally less than perfect. But the dinner itself was pleasant. During the dinner, I couldn't help but talked something about social issues, which I usually prefer not to talk about with friends or on this blog. It's just pointless to debate social issues with someone who holds different views than you. Nonetheless, the discussion I had with my friends was productive.

Speaking of current issues, if you look at the present situation Hong Kong is in and consider things seriously, you'd be very frustrated because our power is really weak. Sometimes, it is better to be indifferent to politics, so that we don't need to be frustrated about how counter-productive our government is, and how immature the opposition force is. But does that mean I recommend being indifferent to politics? No. All young adults should be crystal clear about what our government does, and never lose faith in what they believe is correct. Never compromise - that should be left to those who are in the position to make decisions. For the rest of us, we should never stand back; only in this way can we have a dream, and hope for one day that our dreams come true.

* * *
My emotional crisis strikes me again. I've tried to be optimistic, and it really worked for a couple of weeks. But now, my unrealistic fantasies come up to my mind again. Why is life filled with imperfections, unfulfilled dreams and endless turmoil? I really wish some of my fantasies can come true, so that I won't have regrets when I look back.

Salad (tranquillity), penis (love) and the world (power), which is the most important to men? Power and love are more often talked about. But when one doesn't get both power and love, it seems that a tranquil life can also be a good option. But please, if I were to live a tranquil life, salad would be fine for me. Just don't give me congee.

(The problem of) feeling optimistic
March 9, 2011

I put up this photo of a half-full-half-empty glass a few times already. For a long period of time, I tended to believe that it's half-empty. But for the past few months (probably after January exam), I tend to feel more positively again. Being free from exam pressure totally makes life different. However, as I have now learnt to be independent, some problems arise.

First, I've lost a target. True, I've found way to spend my free time - reading dental journals for fun. I know this sounds crazy, but it's actually quite amusing if the article itself is well-written and informative. It makes me feel good to learn something extra while others waste time watching TV/spending sweet sweet moments with loved ones. When I was feeling down, I used to think: what are these for? Am I not supposed to have something much more fun, much more adorable? Thinking positive these days, I forbid myself to have such thoughts. But life seems target-less in this way - in hte past, I at least know what is deficient; but now, I feel empty deep down, but I don't know what I should pursuit for. This sad fact tortures me.

Perhaps listening to Faye's songs soothes me. But it's hard to eliminate all negative feelings, and pretend that my life is happy.

Public health, great shows
March 7, 2011

Have I mentioned that we're on a two-week reading week? It's exclusive to BDS IV only, and it just feels good to be on reading week with the rest of HKU together. We're not totally free though - we're required to do some work on public health. For our group, it's especially demanding because we chose to do an outreach dental service for Indonesian domestic helpers. That's why you guys see those photos on fb - all of us dressed on blue gowns working in very basic dental setting.. It's fun, but really exhausting.

What else am I doing on reading week then? The highlight would be Faye's concert, which really had a lasting impact on me - more on that later. But otherwise it's really a relaxing week, and I basically have done nothing about dentistry. This is a good thing.

Another great show I watched would of course be Steve's keynote which unveiled the iPad 2. Well, frankly speaking, that keynote is boring - in fact, all recent keynotes seems boring - iPad event in Jan 2010, music event last Sept, iPad 2, … They're all delivered by Steve, but it just feels different to the ones Steve delivered before. Perhaps this is due to the nature of the products themselves - the iPad needs to be held in your hands to feel fantastic. And don't forget - the iPad, iPhone and IPod touch all runs on the same OS, but are announced on three separate event. And it's Apple's usual practice to hold a small scale event to talk about new iPhone SDK. That makes four iOS keynotes in a year. The iPhone announcement (WWDC) is usually the most exciting event each year, so how can the other three events be surprising?

But a true reason could be that Apple has set the bar too high, that making leaps forwards would be difficult even for them. This is not a complain though. Despite the boring keynotes, we all increasingly love Apple products: new customers buy an iPod touch first, then an iPhone next year, and then a Mac; Mac users adopting new Apple products (like me, going to buy the iPad 2); or users buying a new generation of product. This is what's important, and it was Steve who set the tone.

So, back to talk about Faye's concert. As I've said, it's really exciting to see my idol sing on stage again. And it's made such a great impact on me that I really really want to see it again! So I'm now searching for another ticket for the final show (11/3). Isn't this crazy? But then the concert was really cool, I have to see it again.

Btw, watch this to understand why Faye doesn't talk in her concert anymore, when she has the choice:

Faye!
March 5, 2011

I haven't been blogging lately. The reason is, there's not much to blog these days. The iPad 2 was unveiled, but I don't usually talk about Apple products; the Budget was announced, but I don't usually talk about politics. But seeing Faye is really something! And I have to blog here.

So, I saw Faye's concert yesterday (Mar 4), right after seeing the Indonesians (I saw there teeth, not an Indo singer). Having waited this concert for so long (her last concert was in 2003, I was there as well), I'm really impressed the moment I saw her on stage. And Faye sang lots of songs that I love, and it's really touching to see my idol on stage, singing songs that I've listened to again and again and again. And it feels so different this time, because I'm much better-equipped. I have listened to more Faye's songs that I knew every song she sang last night. Bravo.

I guess the thing is, no one can fully understand what I felt unless they watched their own idols perform. To me, Faye is THE ONLY best, and when she sings on her fabulous stage, she really is a star that glows and radiates. Faye, thanks for being there. When I was first asked to buy a $980 ticket for $1500, I hesitated. But the moment I was there, the moment Faye sang songs such as 約定, 曖昧, 暗湧, 人間, …, I knew I did the right thing. $1500 wasn't expensive at all. It'd be the most well-spent $1500 I've ever spent.

Faye didn't speak much. She only said two "hello's", and two "thank you". She didn't really say goodbye. But who cares? Faye's fans do not connect with her via words; it's her songs that we're connected to. So, thanks Faye. And thanks Martin for seeing Faye with me.

PS There were (69625-68572) 1053 visits in February, or 34.0 visits per day. Thx. We've almost hit 70000 visits!